People
Lotte has spent much of her time on Earth leading a secret double-life as Pound Eye the Pirate, a fiery vagabond who loves grog, treasure and shouting yargh! When she isn’t swash-buckling, Lotte likes scrabble, silliness, singing to herself and planning ridiculously overambitious social events. When Lotte grows up she would like her own theme music.
David Lane – Groom
David began work ten years ago as an unpaid student podium disco dancer in the nightclubs of Exeter, before insisting on carving out a career as something called a ‘dramaturg’, which nobody could really understand, explain or pronounce. Fortunately when he met Lotte he learned his true place as a humble house-husband and cider-taster. When David grows up Lotte says he would like to be a masseuse or a gourmet vegetarian chef.
Lotte’s Best Woman – Elle McNeil
Elle and Lotte met at Banister First School and were married shortly afterwards aged eight. Since then the two have selected additional spouses but they remain the best of friends. Elle is fluent in gibberish, can read upside down and is freakishly good at counting cards. She is also highly proficient in sun-worshipping, seaside walks and creating beautiful things. Ever-generous, Elle is taking on the formidable task of coordinating the feeding of you lot on the 23rd July, while husband Stu has created this brilliant website: let’s big it up for the McNeils and their wedding awesomeness.
Lotte’s Best Man – Mike Curry
The first words Mike ever said to Lotte were ‘make me a cup of tea, bitch’. As university housemates, Lotte and Mike gave each other the pet names ‘Dave’ and ‘David’, which got particularly confusing when Mr Lane came on the scene. Mike also goes by the name of Captain Adventure and works for a company called Sword. These facts are not related. Legend has it that Mike may be found on a Saturday night at the end of a trail of chicken wings. He shares Lotte’s love of all things cider-related, the word ‘oh’ and checking out the talent in Spar. Mike plays the electric violin and has not tried Old El Paso Fajitas.
David’s Best Woman – Jennie Fellows
Jennie likes cake and cats and photographs of cats doing strange things, though not always with cake. Jennie met David whist they were both working at the Soho Theatre in London (not one of ‘those’ theatres despite the name) and they decided to have an adventure and run a theatre company and drink quite a lot of tea. Then they stopped doing that and she moved to Brighton and won an award for her gardening skills. Jennie has trained to be a theatre clown and owns her own nose.
David’s Best Man – Tom Print
Tom and David spent most of their former years giggling in CDT class at Warden Park secondary school, making up lists of ‘hilarious’ catchphrases, bullying their Spanish and Science teachers and creating their own radio stations in Tom’s bedroom. Their eternal friendship was sealed when he witnessed David aged fourteen singing the worst rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody you have ever heard – and then secretly making a copy of it. Tom lives in Portsmouth, works for Heart FM and his Dad was once carried by Nicholas Parsons.
Bridesmaid – Alexis Soolikhan
Alexis rose to fame in the early nineties, playing the starring role in the Easter biopic ‘Jesus Christ, This is Your Life’. On the same day, she and sister Lotte premiered their notorious Easter Bunny/Hare rap two-hander, proclaiming their ardent desire to make Easter very fair (yeah). In the naughty noughties Alexis spent most of her time impersonating Xtina Aguilera. Nowadays, when she isn’t busy being an amazing graphic designer and creating stunning wedding invitations, Alexis likes to traverse the globe: recent trips include Brazil, Iceland and Russia. She also really likes babies’ bottoms.
Bridesmaid – Lisa Grant
Lotte’s sister Lisa said the word ‘poo’ live on Channel 4 last Christmas Day. Although seemingly pleasant and mild-tempered, midwife Lisa was once a notoriously violent ice hockey player, spending scores of her teenage hours in the sin bin. Lisa is proud mum to Alia and Ronin and has nurtured an assortment of interesting pets, including Kylie and Jason the Stick Insects, Drac the Duck and Ko-Z, the psychotic Spanish puppy Lotte inadvertently killed in 2005. Lisa’s hero is Monty Don and she once won a citizenship award for voluntarily removing grafitti from a bus stop.
Bridesmaid – Alia Smith
Street-dancing Brownie Guide Alia is a dedicated follower of fashion and a big fan of Gok Wan’s transformative high-street creations. Alongside brother Ronin, she pioneered the discovery that David ‘laughs like a girl’. Alia first went to school in Spain and is very excited about her imminent move to Upper Shirley High in Southampton. She loves chocolate and recently became the responsible owner of two gerbils called Jessie and Juliet. It is worth noting that both Alia and Ronin have a keen sense of humour, secretly videoing impromptu pop performances on their Aunties’ iphones (“I whip my hair” anyone?) and delivering hilarious impressions of Alexander Meerkat (“simples!”).
Master of the Universe – John Allen
Johnny and David once escaped a particularly dull barbecue at their own house when living in Exeter by saying they were popping out to buy ketchup. They actually went to the Odeon to watch Gladiator for the second time. They returned three and a half hours later, without ketchup. Johnny is a massive film buff and has managed several cinemas, including responsibility for tasks such as the removal of chavs from Kensington Odeon. Johnny is not ginger, but is quite loud, making him an ideal choice for Master of Ceremonies (the Universe). Look out for his megaphone.
Wingman – Ben Lane
Ben and David grew up inventing special code words for cunning football moves on the common outside their house, including the ‘Lineker’, the ‘John Barnes’ and the ‘Ian Rush’, none of which they could probably remember today. Ben introduced David to the wonder that is Tottenham Hotspur despite their Dad’s love of the Gunners, and is an intrepid global explorer already introducing his daughter Emilia to the crucial things in life such as international rugby matches, offbeat travel adventures and the Mr Men books. Ben has no excuse to forget David and Lotte’s wedding anniversary as it’s exactly a week after his and Angelica’s.
Wingman – Tom Lane
Tom’s specialist skill of quoting Blackadder is a well-known talent shared among the other Lane brothers. Lesser known is the spin-off that he and David scripted and staged in Cuckfield Scout Hut aged 14 and 11 respectively called Blackadder Scouts Ahead. Tom played a hapless young Scout called Baldrick and David played an irritated Akela whilst attempting to mimic Rowan Atkinson, despite his as-yet-unbroken vocal chords. Tom is an ardent Seagulls supporter and food-lover and is pretty darn good at taking photos. With his DJ moniker 1-UP of some renown in Brighton’s clubs and master of his own online broadcast, Tom will be taking on a set for the wedding disco.
Wingman – Alex Boyd
Unexpectedly arriving at sea as a baby, Lotte’s brother Alex has come a long way from his childhood loves of Thomas the Tank Engine, crab fishing and manifesting into a seagull when really excited. Charming, friendly and ever the gentleman, Alex is a Bristol socialite and the best man for showing you the watering holes and clubs of this fair city. He is passionate about computer games, toilet duck and film-making and was the star of the Oscar-winning short commercial ‘Dan’s Used Folder Emporium’. When he grows up Alex would most like to be Solid Snake from the Metal Gear series of video games.
Wingman – James Grant
James spent last summer working at a farm in Argentina where he witnessed the delightful spectacle that is a sheep internally combusting. He is Lotte’s youngest brother and currently combining his studies in International Relations at Queen Mary’s in London with a specialist skill being injured spectacularly whilst taking on seemingly innocuous challenges such as climbing fences, cycling and playing rugby. James’ retro interests include Thundercats, Transformers and Power Rangers and he once plucked and ate a pheasant called Eugene.
Bridesbird – Hannah Gayford
Hannah’s first words to David were ‘can you face up the doughnuts?’ whilst working as his line manager at Forfars Bakery in Haywards Heath ten years ago. Although still passionate about (and incredible at making) baked goods, Hannah now spends her working hours excelling in driving instruction: David and Lotte have both been her pupils and are amazed by her teaching talent and endless patience. Hannah is a sewing diva, notably stitching her gorgeous birdesbird dress as well Lotte’s favourite pirate cushion; she also regularly frequents ‘stitch and bitch’ sessions to hone her knitting skills. Hannah is looking forward to marrying beau Stu in a castle next year.
Bridesbird – Heidi Arnold
Lotte’s first enduring memory of Heidi is her performing Salt & Pepa’s ‘Push It’ in the school playground. Her penchant for combining performing arts and education is reflected in her career path teaching English and Drama in International Schools, first in The Kingdom of Bahrain and now Qingdao, China. Heidi (fondly nicknamed ‘Ho’) and husband Tim (‘Cons’) were instrumental in the formation of Lotte and David’s relationship, taking their massive hangovers to The Dolphin the morning after their first date and encouraging them to enjoy karaoke until two in the morning. Further thanks and kudos goes to them for travelling 5478 miles to attend our little bash. Heidi is a fantastic chef – her almond gloop pudding is unforgettable among her closest friends – and it’s safe to say Sundays have never been the same since she and Tim left Hackney.
Bridesbird – Jodie Lucas-Jones
When there’s a camera lens in the vicinity Princess Jodie’s winning smile acts like a heat-seeking missile, somehow sensing the shutter-sound at the split second it clicks. Lotte and Jodie became bosom buddies after narrowly escaping death while driving through Piccadilly Circus at rush hour: they were forced to drink LOTS of wine to recover from the shock. Jodie also suffered badly at David’s infamous 30th birthday party, when David drunkenly leant on a table and drove the edge of it into her thigh, creating angry yellow bruise and a scar that will remain FOREVER. Jodie, husband Steve and their gorgeous puppy Buddy live just round the corner from Lotte and David, which is pretty awesome.
Bridesbird – Nia Clark
Nia teaches music on the Isle of Wight and heads up ‘Heavy Metal’, one of the country’s leading handbell choirs. As a former Music Festival Manager, Nia has taken up the baton to conduct the choir and coordinate the performance and playlists for our nuptials (THANK YOU). With confidently eclectic tastes in music and film, and a special passion for horses and puns, Nia is best described as a stable girl. She and Lotte met at Brownies and spent the intervening years enjoying hilarious scrapes involving wobbly train tables, power slides at sea and haunted woods. Nia’s newest passion in life is Titus Puli, the world’s most middle-class puppy who eschews dog food for hummus and radicchio leaves.
Bridesbird – Mary Newnham
A seasoned gin drinker and qualified member of the legal world, Mary puts the ‘bar’ firmly back into barrister. Mary and Lotte’s friendship was founded on a mutual passion for music: obsessing over indie bands, leading clarinets together in the school orchestra and serenading Friday Night revellers in Southampton with hearty renditions of ‘Hey Big Spender’. Alongside fellow Reject Tarters Marian and Andrea, Lotte and Mary formed the legendary band Parc, with Mary penning hits such as ‘We Wouldn’t Mind a Bit of Your Cheap Booze’ and ‘Anadin’. Mary’s hobbies include leading impassioned feminist rants, baking and looking at elephants. Her ‘Husband Elect’ Lewis will be DJing at the wedding.
Bridesbird – Sarah Peel
Sarah Peel, known informally and to her closest friends as ‘Sarah Peel’ is currently working towards becoming both Dr Peel and a world renowned actress. Lotte and Sarah met at The Gantry Drama Club in Southampton where she played Lotte’s evil nemesis Aragante Flambe in ‘Time, Space and Timbo Martin’. Sarah once followed a promising career in football but retired when she realised sport was just a bit boring. Instead she now uses her well-reputed lovely bottom for sitting on, whilst drinking tea and chatting. Sarah likes travel, food and beautiful men. She sleeps on a cloud every night.
Bridesbird – Sophie Mangham
‘Gallic’ Sophie has donated several Girl Guides to the wedding proceedings and has been a fantastic Chief Craft Consultant, bestowing her sewing and sticking skills upon us over numerous weekends. Sophie loves shoes, polka dots, cake and cider, and is the founding member of Totterdown Towers Monday Glee night: she and Lotte like to ogle together the legend that is Noah Puckerman. Despite it being firmly against Lotte’s feminist principles, Sophie attends regular burlesque and pole dancing classes ‘just for the exercise’, and when drunk Sophie and David may descend into bad Yorkshire accents and pretend to be from the late industrial era.
Bridesbird – Susanne Potts
Susanne met Lotte at Cardiff University where they held regular glamorous gin parties, did their make-up like Britney Spears in the ‘Stronger’ Video and learned all the words to Eminem’s ‘Forgot About Dre’. Married to the marvellous Mr Potts Suse now has her own ‘effing baby’, the lovely Will.i.am who is destined to be the next baby model of Mid Sussex. Susanne is super handy with a slow cooker and has a passion for cider, colour co-ordination and crochet. It’s also well known by popular repute that Suse gives love a BAD NAME.